5 Democrats Who Already Think That They Are President (Not Including Hillary Clinton)

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“Remember, I am third in line for the Presidency. Have a nice day.” – Nancy Pelosi

2020 is here (fuck me, right). The Democratic field is about as crowded as the Republican one in 2016, so here goes nothing folks!

However, there seems to be confusion of the necessity of the primary as several Democratic elders (and juniors) already claim to be President. Let’s take a closer look:


  1. Joe Bidengiphy (2).gif

Obama’s former VP and lesser half, Uncle Joe think it’s his turn (again) to be President. Good luck with that. While he has spent a good amount of time in the West Wing, he’ll always be an east side of Maryland (Delaware?) kind of guy.

Biden thinks he’s the one to take on Trump, because the take aways from the 2016 election were 1) everyone loves Obama 2) centrism is the future of the Democratic Party. To borrow a phrase from 2008 MTV, “Next.”


2. Beto O’Rourkegiphy (3).gif

Beto O’Rourke seems having confused everyone hating Ted Cruz with everyone loving him. While his campaign promises ring opportunistic, his face will bring in the fundraising dollars. Is he cute? If you like Model UN boys (I do).

But it is Beto’s moment – or at least the Washington Post has made it such. Is Beto qualified to be President? I mean, he has great hair.


3. Kamala Harris

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A professional VP candidate, Kamala Harris has used her Senate seat as a stepping stone to the Presidency; she just forgot to spend anytime in the Senate.

Maybe because she doesn’t have any baggage (hello Beto’s mugshot; don’t drink and drive kids!) she would be a good choice. However in the age of a premium on political authenticity, DSA can smell a crypto-capitalist


4. Elizabeth Warren

Having missed her moment in 2016,

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Elizabeth Warren recently threw herself under a bus, rolled around in some gasoline, and lit a match by doing that DNA test, demonstrating her misunderstanding of race in America.

Warren, a leader of the left, recently introduced a bill for “moral capitalism,” which sounds like an oxymoron. While she is on the right side of history, I’m sorry to say but…

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5. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortezgiphy (7).gif

Already President since June if you read Vox, Ocasio-Cortez has proven herself to be a force in the American political landscape, though she’s convinced everyone she’s doing a great job in Congress though she’s not there yet (maybe she is?).

However, she isn’t legally old enough to be President, and we have enough constitutional crises as is.


Moral of the story: vote Bernie before global warming kills us all

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